Thursday, July 16, 2009

Confirmation Hearings of Master Yoda, Day Two


Senator Patrick Leahy: Master Yoda, I'm very pleased to have you testify here today before this committee. My understanding is that you have a long history of experience, probably longer than anyone who has been nominated to the Supreme Court before.

Yoda: When nine hundred years old *you* reach, look as good *you* will not, hmm?

Senator Patrick Leahy: Well, I think you look just fine, and may I say that that little walking stick you use makes you look very jaunty. And I hope that light saber on your hip there means that you agree that the Second Amendment protects an individual right.

Yoda: Hmmm.

Senator Patrick Leahy: Now I wanted to get your views on some constitutional issues. To begin with, what is your opinion of President Bush and Vice-President Cheney and their views of executive power?

Yoda: Always two there are, no more, no less. A master and an apprentice. But which one is the master and which one is the apprentice?

Senator Jon Kyl: Master Yoda, I'm particularly disturbed by this comment of yours that a wise Jedi Knight can see the truth that other people cannot. I mean, are you saying that being a Jedi Knight is somehow better than other people? That sounds like prejudice to me.

Yoda: A Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will.

Senator Jeff Sessions: Master Yoda, I don't see how you can possibly judge impartially. First of all, you are clearly green and you talk funny. I just don't think you can be sympathetic to white people. Second, it's my understanding that you are actually an alien from the planet Degobah.

Yoda: In Degobah I have resided, but my actual birthplace no one knows.

Senator Jeff Sessions: Well, that's just the point. I mean, we don't even know where President Obama was born, much less you.

Yoda: Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. I sense much fear in you.

Senator Jeff Sessions: And another thing. I'm very concerned about your advice to Obi Wan Kenobi-- who is, by the way, a well known radical activist-- and to young Luke Skywalker to use their feelings. Master Yoda, being a judge is not about using your feelings. It's about applying the law. Call it empathy, call it prejudice, or call it sympathy, but whatever it is, it is not law. In truth it is more akin to politics. And politics has no place in the courtroom.

Yoda: Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

Senator Lindsay Graham: Now Master Yoda, I want to say first off that I like you. I like that little green hobbit thing you got going on.

Yoda: Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is.

Senator Lindsay Graham: Well, that's what I'm talking about! I'm really happy to learn that you are talking about using force all the time. As you know, both Senator McCain and I like to use force whenever possible.

Yoda: Hmm. Ohhh. Great warrior. [laughs and shakes his head] Wars not make one great. Hmph. Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things.

Senator Lindsay Graham: But now here's the thing, see. I think you're a bit full of yourself, calling yourself Master Yoda and all that. I mean, who calls themselves Master these days? You know, like, slavery is over. Didn't you get the memo? I mean, Master Yoda, what I'm saying is, do you have a temperament problem? Maybe these hearings are a time for self-reflection.

Yoda: Meditate on this, I will. But you must unlearn what you have learned.

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