Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Tales of Horror from Dr. Distracto


Dr. Distracto: All right, children, it's 6/6/06, the day of the Beast, so gather round, while I regale you with tales of horror that are sure to curdle your blood!

Children: Yippie! Tell us the one about the big flood that destroyed New Orleans! Tell us the one about the deficit that ate the economy! Tell us the one about the war in Iraq!

Dr. Distracto: No, children, I don't want to talk about those things right now. I have something *much* scarier.

Children: Hurray!

Dr. Distracto: If you don't vote Republican in the next election, gay couples will burn American flags at their weddings!

Children: Noooooo!

Dr. Distracto: Then they will drive Mexican nationals across the border in hybrid cars!

Children: Noooooo!

Dr. Distracto: And then they will take all the Mexicans to abortion clinics, and force them to watch Al Gore's documentary on global warming!

Children: Oooooh, that's so scary, Dr. Distracto. I'm so frightened I can't think about anything else!

Dr. Distracto: Mission Accomplished.

Children: Oh no, not those words! Now you're scaring me again!


Actually, some people don’t consider such analogies a joke. Check out this line from Vernon Robinson’s (Republican challenger for North Carolina’s 13th congressional district) TV add:

“If Miller [Robinson’s Democratic rival] had his way, America would be nothing but one big fiesta for illegal aliens and homosexuals.”

If you have the stomach for it, or simply enjoy toilet humour, you can view the ad here (appropriately presented in Twilight Zone look-and-feel):

I'm guessing this in inspired, at least in part, by gwb's new push for an amendment against gay marriage as a way of rallying the conservative/religious vote. After the last presidential election, its clear that the republican party can simply stop democrats from voting in enough places, and they don't have to worry as much about rallying the religious right. Especially when the president himself seeks to restrict voting rights.

Smart move on their part, since relying on a group that ostensibly holds integrity in high value is a bad move for any political group.

On the other hand, if constitutional guarantees of the right to vote can be side-lined like they were for 350,000 Ohio residents, maybe a constitutional ban on gay marriage wouldn't be that big a deal.

DR. DISTRACTO [with air of opprobrium]: Now, children, buckle up in the back seat there.
CHILDREN [somewhat distractedly, as is children's wont]: Yes, Mr. Blackwell.
DR DISTRACTO: Name is Bush. We're inside the Beltway, not on the OH River.
CHILDREN: Yes, President.
DISTRACTO: I told you where this ride is going. No more questions.
CHILDREN: We want you to stop at the icecream place.
DISTRACTO: No arguments. I am the decider. OK? D-e-c-i-d-e-r. Repeat after me, Decider.
CHILDREN: We want you to hurry, President; because with global warming there is only so much time left for us to find icecream in the wild.
DISTRACTO: I told you, when we were selecting an associate justice for SCOTUS: I am not a lawyer. We have lawyers to do the selecting. Well, I have signed a contract for fuel for our freezers until you children grow up; so, no need to fret about finding natural icecream. We can give you artificial icecream from our freezer.
CHILDREN: You better have the congressional research office review that contract.
DISTRACTO [fretfully]: Well, maybe I did not sign a contract. But, I signed the signing memo
CHILDREN [relieved]: That signing memo said you bought a bushel of lemons. So we can make lemonade. Keep your eyes on the Road, President. We will engage in some entrepreneurialist sales of lemonade. We know what we're doing until 2008. That's when the thaw really sets in. We want you to stay yourself, Dr. Distracto. We'll let you know how it all worked out. By letter. After 2008. Bye.

All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.
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