Clare Huntington
For the book symposium on Clare Huntington, Failure to Flourish: How Family Law Undermines Family Relationships (Oxford University Press, 2014)
I love Robert Emery’s challenge. These issues can feel
overwhelming, and it is easy to think there is little that we can do as
individuals, acting in our corner of the world.
The first step is grasping the problem. We had to understand
the dynamics and causes of climate change before we could begin to convince
people that they needed to alter their behavior (an ongoing project). So we
should be optimistic about the potential for reform in family law—more so than
with climate change—given the broad consensus that strong families matter, even
if we disagree about how to achieve that goal.
Emery’s own work has been foundational in our understanding
of the need for family law reform. Among the many aspects of positive family
law, Emery’s work focuses on marriage and divorce, and he has made a brilliant
career out of advancing our understanding of the importance of marriage and the
possibilities for healthy divorce. His work on the lasting impact
of mediated as opposed to litigated divorce, for example, has supported a sea
change in family law. So, Emery has already changed the world and inspired others
by the clarity of his thinking and the depth of his research. That’s a whole
lot more than changing a light bulb.
There are equivalents for all of us, academics or not, and
we can each find our own corner to tend.
Getting involved in local politics, for example, is an
excellent way to have an impact. Many of the policies I identify in the book
are controlled at the local level. Zoning boards make critical decisions about
where to place infrastructure and whether to allow zoning variances that would
permit intergenerational housing. And city councils often decide how to spend
local dollars. When we speak up in these venues in support of family-friendly
policies—along the lines of those I propose in the book—we are doing our piece
to further positive family law.
We can also volunteer in our communities. Whether coaching a
soccer team or working in a food pantry, we can make life a little easier for
other families. In an age when neighborhoods and schools are highly segregated
by income, some communities will seem less needy than others, at least on the
surface, but there are lonely children everywhere. The attention from an
unrelated adult, including coaches, faith leaders, and family friends, can make
an enormous difference in a child’s life.
And finally we can practice compassion, with ourselves and
with others. It is easy to judge other people’s families. Parental
Schadenfreude feels good because it masks our own insecurities and
uncertainties. But all parents struggle, whether financially or emotionally,
and recognizing our own limitations might make us somewhat less judgmental
about other people. This compassion, in turn, may lead to greater support for
programs and efforts that help parents across the income spectrum. It may also
help us deepen our own relationships. As I describe in the book, research shows
that ruptures are unavoidable in relationships, from every day friction between
parents and children to bigger fights that are inevitably a part of family life.
A healthy family relationship is not one in which there is no rupture, but
rather one in which people acknowledge transgression and then seek to repair
the damage. The more we can accept our imperfections as parents, partners,
adult children, and so on, the more likely we are to deepen and strengthen our
relationships.
Slogans have never been my forte, so I’m not sure I can help
Emery there, and he is right that we can’t solve everything. But we can, each
in our own way, make progress, and it is that collective effort that offers
hope.