The Real Swing Voters

Washington, D.C. (BP)-- As the election nears, all eyes are on the key group of voters who will decide who becomes President of the United States-- the nine members of the United States Supreme Court.

"In 2000 we discovered that regular voters are just plain stupid," Justice Anthony Kennedy explained. "Too many of them kept voting for the wrong person. As a result, it's become our unsought duty, every four years, to decide who becomes president."

"Having the Supreme Court pick the president is completely consistent with the original intentions of the Framers," Justice Antonin Scalia declared. "The Electoral College was created because the Framers didn't want the president picked by the hoi polloi. They wanted the president picked by elites. Well, there ain't nobody more elite than us, baby!"

As the election nears, questions still remain about the Justices' votes. Will Chief Justice Rehnquist be well enough to make it to the polls? Will Sandra Day O'Connor, the Court's swing Justice, vote for Bush as she did in 2000, or will Bush's fiscal policies cause her to stay home?

Polling of the Justices has been extremely haphazard because of the small sample size, but pollsters are confident that their work is scientifically sound. The latest Gallup poll, for example, shows a decisive 5-4 vote for Bush with a margin of error of plus or minus 9.

Of particular concern is the fact that Justice Clarence Thomas, the Court's youngest member, may not be easy to poll because he owns a cell phone. But a spokesman for the Gallup organization was unconcerned about the Thomas factor: "Because he's a minority, he probably won't get to vote anyway."

Still other pundits were worried about the effect of the recent tape from Osama Bin Laden. "They needn't worry," Justice Kennedy explained. "Osama Bin Laden is not going to decide who becomes the next president. That's *our* job."