Homage To Rodney

Rodney Dangerfield passed away this week. Here are some of my favorite one-liners from the man who got no respect:

My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

My wife likes to talk during sex. Last night she called me from a hotel room.

I said to my wife, it would improve our sex life if you'd tell me when you have an orgasm. She said, "I would but you're never there!"

I went to the bar to get a few drinks. The bartender said, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a picture of my wife naked.

My wife is fat, you know. So fat. When I want to mow the grass, I put French dressing on the lawn and send her out to graze.

She's so fat when she lies around the house, she lies *around* the house.

She's so fat that when she wears high heels, she can drill for oil.

She's so fat her navel has an echo.

My wife is so fat she doesn't have measurements, she has time zones. And every time you walk around her you lose a day.

She's so fat she had to have her passport photo taken from a satellite.

One day I ran into my wife with my car. She asked me why I didn't drive around her. I said I didn't have enough gas.

One day I'm walking home and I see a guy jogging down the street naked. I say, "What are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early!"

And my daughter, she's no bargain either. When she meets a boy, she's like Federal Express. She absolutely, positively, has to be there overnight!

I'll tell you, when I was a kid I was ugly. I was so ugly my parents hung meat around my neck so the dog would play with me.

I was so ugly that when I was born the doctor slapped my mother.

I was so ugly my father used to carry around a picture of the kid who came with the wallet.

I was so ugly one year I was the poster child for birth control.

I was so ugly I used to work in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I had terrible acne. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up a blind man was reading my face.

I called up a hooker. She looked at me and said she had a headache.

One day I got lost at the beach. I asked a cop, "hey can you help me find my parents?" He said, "I don't know, kid, there's a lot of places they could hide!"

My parents had no use for me. When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I said to my old man, I feel like I'm just going round in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor!

My mother refused to breast feed me. She said she only liked me as a friend.

Once I got kidnapped. They sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair!

I asked my psychiatrist what was wrong with me. He said "You're crazy." I said "I'd like a second opinion." He said, "OK, you're ugly too!"

I went to my doctor. I said "Every morning I get up and look in the mirror and I feel like throwing up." He said, "I don't know what's wrong with you but your eyesight is perfect."

I tell you, I'm so ugly. Once I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I told my dentist my teeth are turning yellow. He said wear a brown tie.

I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.

I was very depressed. I was going to jump out a window. They sent a priest to talk to me. He said, "On your mark ...."

I swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills. I asked my doctor what to do. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

I put on my underwear the other morning and I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I was having sex with a girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "no I hate myself now."